Chantez à l'âne, il vous fera des pêts

Once upon a time there was this girl, that had magical powers. She could blow 100 ballons without her lungs start hurting and she had a laugh that was so loud, even Deafy Duck could hear it. The girl was an only child and grew up all that lonely and sad. She spent her days lying on the sofa, watching cable tv (travel channel and mezzo) and reading to magazines about celebrities.

"Oh, dear, oh me",

used to mumble sometimes,

"I wish I had a brother."

And then she draw moustache and glasses and beaty spots to the photos of the female celebrities on the magazines. Her favourite imaginary hairy and short-sighted brother was Angelina Jolie, because she looked even frightening with all this "inky" equipment.

One morning, while she was watching the piano improvisation battle of Gonzales *, she heard a really strange noice coming out of the toilet. At first she though that her father had been eating on that bloody Egyptian restaurant the night before, but after a few seconds she realised that she had never heard that kind of noise again, so scary, so out of this world. It sounded like ten thousand hypothermic hippos were drinking espresso lungo at an espresso bar in Piazza di Quattro Formaggio while listening to Cocorosie (that's the scary part). She decided to go and have a look despite her promitive fear.

Aurora -that was the girl's name- stood outside the closed bathroom door. She could hear her heart pumping like a deep house track and she started sweating like a cat, although she actually had never seen a cat sweating in real life.

Her whole life passed before her eyes, she clearly saw the day at elementary school where she discovered how great taste her phlegm had and her decision to add phlegm in her daily nutrition program. She even took a glimpse of the day she invented her "other" voice, the irritating high tone voice, which she used to sing Sisters of mercy songs at her mother so as to piss her off.

"Oh, I can't risk all these, by opening the door, I must leave now the house, I'm in danger"

She started running, but after 10.000 meters she realised she didn't have isotonic drink with her and that she was still outside the bathroom door. Her only option was to open that door.

"Courage my little Aurora, everything is gonna be oh-key",

mumbled while she reached for the door handle.

The opening of the door made the noise stop (at last, that Cocorosie track was like a fresh smelly pile of shit) and what she opened before her eyes was beyond everything she could ever possibly imagine...

On the bathtub two hands, yes the same hands that built America, were singing,

"Va', pensiero, sull'ali dorate;
va', ti posa sui clivi, sui colli,
ove olezzano tepide e molli
l'aure dolci del suolo natal..."

"W..what is this all about?",

Aurora thought herself

"Shhhh, I'm trying to listen and your thoughts are making noise", said a voice coming from behind her back,

"Who is th...",

"I said, shhhhh, that's my favorite part, we'll talk all about it later now shut up and listen",Aurora had no other choice but to obey.

" Oh mia patria sì bella e perduta!
Oh membranza sì cara e fatal!" *


"Yeah baby that's it, thaaat's it!"


"Arpa d'or dei fatidici vati,
perché muta dal salice pend..."

"Ok, oook, ok thank you, thank you, nice one, we will call your agent. Go now please, go, neeext"

The hands that built America, were demolished by this sudden rejection. They opened the bath tub seal and lost inside the tubes, along with the last drops of water and dignity.

Well who was this guy, who could destroy careers and self-esteems that easy? Who had invaded in her house, in her own bathroom! and even told her to shut up?

"I'm your tooth hairy, Aurora. And yes, I am the best Bootsy Collins impersonation you'lle ever find among all hairy teeth.And I'm yours."

W-W-W-WHAT?


....TO BE CONTINUED (OR NOT)